Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Father Mike

Last night Ami took the girls for the night. So James and I had time to ourselves. It was nice, I could actually talk to him with out saying " Can you wait until I am done talking to Daddy first?"
After we left Ami's house, I took him to see this truck I saw.( James wants to get a truck for work.) We stopped and looked at it, but when I saw it I knew it was a beater truck. I didn't get a chance to actually open the hood of the truck and really look at it, since the girls were with me. So when we opened the hood, I would have offered the guy $200 for the truck not $1000. There was so much that needed to be done to it. Mainly the steering control, had all the rubber seals on it all dry rotted. I told him " We are not even going to take on this problem. I have enough with the blazer right now." So the hunt for a beater work truck continues.

We ended up at the Eagles with Mom and Mike. I love Mike to death. Every time he gets into his " no incoming calls" thing, he has to talk to me about my Dad. It really pissed Mike off that my Dad was a piece of shit father. He went on and on about how he felt bad that my step-sister had him around and I had to see her with her Dad, when my own Dad didn't give a shit about me. Then he asked me how hes doing now, and if he even knows what he did to my sister and I. I told him since he has been sober, I have had to tell him all the things that he did. My Dad doesn't remember half of the nasty things he did and said to my sister and I. So I told my Dad, the reason why my sister doesn't really want to have anything to do with him. Mike asked me if I have ever told him what a piece of shit he was. So I told Mike " Have we met? You know how my mouth is, I'm not a shy person with my feelings. If I have something to say I say it."

This conversation went on for hours. Mike told me that all the shit that my Dad did had to make me a stronger person. It did. Then he started to talk about how Makayla's Dad is a piece of shit to. So that opened up another hour of things. Every once in a while Mom would say things and she told James what I had to go through. Which started Mike back up again on my Dad. Mike asked me if I have ever forgiven my Dad for the shit that he did to me. I told him sort of did. It still stays with me, but what can I do about it? I can't change the past, that why it's the past.

Now my Dad is trying to make up for all the things that he did and said. Which is fine with me, if he wants to do that then he can. I think when last March when I had to go get him from Alabama, to basically save his life he got the picture. I went down there with James on a Friday night. We stayed until Sunday and drove back here. So I had 1 whole day to tell him how I felt and what he did to me. He was still drinking, but I have a way to make people feel like shit and remember what I said. I told him what a piece of shit father he was, and how he could call himself a man, when another man was doing HIS job. Whatever I said to him, when he left my house last year, he went to the doctor and got this pill that makes him not want to drink. So he has been sober for almost a year now. I think he finally got it. He got that, his kids thought he was a piece of shit and his own wife thought that to. Plus he was on the verge of killing himself.

After James and I left the Eagles, we went to Waffle House to eat. James asked me " Why do they talk about the things that your Dad did to you like, you had a leg blown off in a war?"

I said " You don't get it do you? Did you not even listen to what my Mom was saying about all the shit I went through? She even asked you how you would feel if the same things that happened to me happened to you. I guess you can't picture it very well. I was Daddy's girl and then one day he could give a shit less about me. He left and really didn't even say good-bye to me. When I tried to call him when he moved , he blew me off. How would you feel if your Dad, didn't want to talk to you and blew you off? You would feel hurt. Well I was 12 when he did that. I couldn't understand why my Dad was doing that to me. I thought I did something wrong and I did something to make him hate me. And you wonder why they talk about it like they do. Then you can't understand why I didn't want Devin around Makayla when he re-appeared after 6 months. I didn't want the same shit to happen to her that happened to me. If it wasn't for Ami, he wouldn't even see her. She is the only reason why I let Makayla go over and see him. Because I know he can't even take care of a 6 year old, let alone take care of himself. You hear about how Makayla has to make her own food when Ami is at work. You even heard about last weekend when Makayla had to make a bottle for her 1 month old little brother, because Devin didn't want to get out of bed. It's a mothering thing. You do what you can to protect your kids. My Mom did whatever she could to protect me, but she also let me figure out things on my own about my Dad. If it wasn't for my Mom, who knows what I would be doing right now. I could be some crack head living in the slums. When your parent abandons you, and you don't know why, it messes you up. But I guess you will never understand how that is."

I just have to remember, the past is the past. And I can't do anything to change it. Really what can I do. I have forgiven my Dad for most of the things that he did. But I will never forget what he did and how it made me feel. Like Mom said, I have to get rid of the hard on about it and move on.

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